Who Needs Revising, With Friends Like These

When I write anything down that people could potentially read I’m always over thinking what I write and it usually turns out worse than I intended it to.  I tend to revise as I write.  I’m always reading over what I typed to make sure that I formed the sentence as properly as I know how.  I go through all of this every time I post something on Facebook or twitter, why?  Because of these Sons a Bitches…The grammar police.

I put grammar police somewhere between pedophiles and Kevin Hart stand-up specials.  If you’re not sure what the grammar fuzz are then let me fill you in.  Urban Dictionary defines these dipshits as “annoying trolls on forums like YouTube and yahoo answers who just LOVE to ostracize those whose hands may have slipped while typing on their keyboard”.  We’ve all been victims of grammar police brutality.  That time you posted on Facebook about “Their should be an Oscar category for comedy’s”.  And all of a sudden Steve, or whoever, reminds you that its “there” not “their”.  Thanks to Steve, everyone will now understand what I meant.  It’s his shitty, minor league attempt at being some sort of elitist snob.  Most of the time nobody notices the errors, nor do they care.  You wouldn’t believe the first grade sentences that some of my dearest friends barely type out.  I’m also extremely guilty of making the there, their, and they’re mistake myself.  I can recently recall a tweet that I put out and I mentioned the sandwich shop Capriotti’s.  The context of the tweet doesn’t really matter here, but I basically misspell Capriotti’s and out of nowhere, some guy I’ve never met nor interacted with on twitter decides to correct the spelling of said delicious sandwich shop with the following tweet. ‘You need to use your spell check dummy, unless you are referring to the restaurant Capriati’s in Buenos Aries”.

DOES IT FUCKING MATTER??!!  This guy goes out of his way to correct a complete stranger on the way he spells a word, why?  To make me look stupid in front of my 30 followers?  So he can feel better knowing that he has a better mastery of the English language than I do?  Is he the owner of Capriati’s in Buenos Aries, and this is just the 6000th time someone has mistakenly misspelled the name, and enough’s enough (I checked and he doesn’t own it, he’s a douchebag, rock n roll magazine writer here in town).  I have no idea why people have the need to do this.  Now after wishing this guy dick cancer, he’s upset at me, I’m still disproportionately angry at him, and Capriotti’s is probably mad at both of us because their good name and dick cancer are in the same hashtag.  The grammar police are a plague on social media.  I can understand the criticism, had I written my dissertation for a doctorate in philosophy, but I didn’t.  I was tweeting the sandwich shop about the idea of serving gravy with the bobby sandwich so you could dip it…Don’t judge.

Grammar police make people self conscious about writing.  How are people going to get better at grammar and writing complete sentences when they worry about being mocked or corrected around every corner.  unless you literally work in the Grammar Crimes Unit of a police department or you’re an English teacher then back off.  when my buddy says that “Know one can beat the 49’ers” I no exactly what he means.  Everyone on Facebook already knows that he’s a moron for liking the 49’ers, lets not rub his face in the dirt because of an overlooked grammatical mistake.  When smug and smarmy hipsters police your social media neighborhood for grammar, fight back.  Tell them where to stick it, and by god, keep writing, status updating, and tweeting.  Otherwise I’m forced to read a book in the bathroom for crying out loud.